The right game

I read an interview with Dwayne Johnson in which he said that one of his biggest goals was to play professional football. After high school, he played college ball for the Miami Hurricanes as a walk-on, and had some standout potential, but was plagued by injuries and in the shadow of a truly great player all four years.

When he graduated no major league team would draft him.He got to play for two months on a Canadian minor league team and then was cut loose.He was devastated and arrived at his parents house with seven dollars to his name, trying to make sense of what to do with the rest of his life.

He had to re-invent himself into something else, so he became”The Rock,” one of the most successful pro wrestlers in history. This platform game him a chance to reinvent himself further as an actor and movie star.

Now he is Hollywood’s highest paid male actor and his company, Seven Bucks Productions, is very successful. His summing up of his life story and breakaway from the failure of football in just a couple of sentences?

“I was in the wrong game. Now I am in the right game.”

How many times are we in the wrong game, but we just keep banging our head against the  ground and racking up failures until we wish we could just die? It is not because we are not great at we do…

We are playing the wrong game, with the wrong set of rules.

We must be in the right game if we want to excel and reach our fullest potential. This is not rocket science, but rather the most elementary truth about who we are: We are unique, and what worked for our best friend, father, mother, or the dude on the TV is not going to work for us!

We have to match our skill set, aspirations, passions, and drive to succeed with the infinite possibilities that lie in front of us. We have all heard the saying, “Don’t try to fit a square peg into a round hole,” right? It means that if you try you will either ruin the peg or the hole, but a beautiful, useful, and harmonious outcome will not you have (I watched Star Wars and listened to Yoda a bit too much…what an example he is of being focused on the right game!)

What happens if we apply the right tools and techniques to the properly designed problem (game) with passion and enthusiasm? We then are creating works of art in an organic and joyful process. Better yet, we no longer look and feel like a mangled square peg stuffed into a round hole!

Now, before we walk any father down this path together I want to tell you that I empathize with any feelings of despair or disbelief that you might be having about being able to get into the right game. I have spent literally decades trying to force myself into the round hole, so that I could please others and do what I “Should” be doing and finally be “Good Enough!!!”

It never worked…we will never be good enough if we judge our worth by someone else’s standards.

That part of my life really sucked….and the worst part is that I chose it because of the choices I made about what I believed about myself and my abilities.  Please learn from my pain and choose more wisely by using the following four truths/tools to frame your search for the game that is right for you.

Truth #1: You are the only one who can make you happy, so you are the only one able to choose the right game for you. I know this sounds soooooooo obvious, and it also very rare for us to actually do. We are taught that there is something almost sociopathic about doing what we want without considering how it might affect others, and it is true that we do not want to physically harm other people…but it is okay if they do not like what we choose.

You have complete power and control over your emotions and your choices. It is called agency. So do they. It is a form of manipulation and coercion for a person to say, “I won’t be happy unless you have this type of car, work at this type of job, and act this certain way!” It is not right for you to do that to others, and it takes a lot of willpower to keep others from trying to do it to you.

Truth #2 You must put in the time to define what you really want to achieve. Everything is created mentally before it is actualized in the real world. and before you think “things just happen”…think again:-) Our subconscious is much more powerful and on the ball than conscious mind, so we inadvertently create things subconsciously that conflict with our conscious desires. We are truly our own best friend and worst enemy when it comes to creating our best life. The simple trick here (not easy, just simple) is to be mindful and present at the wheel, focusing on  the burning passion to answer the questions three: Who am I, What do I really want out of life, and what price am I willing to pay to get from here to there? If you cannot answer these three questions with conviction and enthusiasm, stop right where you are and fill in the blanks… otherwise you are like a leaf in the wind and any old puddle will do to land in.

Pay the price to know yourself. It will be the most valuable thing you ever do for yourself.

Truth #3 Then you have to put your game face on and play like your life depended on it…, because it does! Live with abandon and love what you do! I say it again-LOVE WHAT YOU DO!! Its your life and you only get one of them, so make it memorable and tailored just perfectly to you. That is the only way possible to have the intrinsic motivation to push through all the tests and trials that life will throw in your path.Your work must be your play, what you would do even if you wasn’t getting paid for it. Only then will you create masterpieces that others will bid highly to possess.

Be the master craftsman of your life.

Truth #4 Never give up. Until the day you die, thee is always new wonders, more challenges, and something more to strive for. Check out this video of the life of Harland Sanders, founder of Kentucky Fried Chicken.

It is never too late to start living with passion.

Cherish this moment, embrace it, and life it fully.

Then do it again and again! A wonderful life really is that simple:-)

Reflecting on passion

Many people might feel there is a problem with feeling passion and being mindful at the same time, because they seem to exist as two different frames of mind.

I have had this same attitude, to the point that I tried to suppress my emotions and be totally detached from my feelings.

Trust me on this, is does not work….

While  unbridled passion can be very negative, it is through the combination of passionate focus and mindfulness in the present moment that we can truly access all the powers we possess to have greatly creative lives.

We have discussed quite a bit about mindfulness in these posts, and I admit, a good deal of mindfulness and living in the present moment tends to focus on detachment from feelings, emotions, and outside states that hinder the attainment of being centered.We don’t want to give negative things power over our choices, nor do we want to float in the pool of  potential positivity to the extent that we forget to focus on what we can do now, in the present moment.

On the other hand, emotions are what drive our creative engines and unleash greatness in our lives

.We have all heard of athletes getting “into the zone” and doing incredible feats of strength, speed, and endurance.Are they being focused, mindful, and in the present moment? You betcha!

Artists, writers, performers, and just about every creative endeavor that could be named have the same state of flow where the work is not just an action: It becomes the only thing that matters. It is the full expression of their love and passion for the act of the creation.

I think we really have to love what we are doing to get to that state of “being in the zone” and unlocking all we have to give.

We have to be passionate about our creation because it is coming from our highest and best self. We have to love it like we love ourselves.

It is our child.

So, as I see it, the act of living in the present moment and being mindful are the key to unlocking a knowledge of our highest and best self, and the love we feel for ourselves when we are living in harmony with our ideals leads to incredible bursts of creativity that we want to share with others.

Great creative works move other people to do something, because they change the way that person views the world.

The passion of the creator is contagious!

Passion is like electricity: It illuminates the bulb and gives light and warmth to our creative works. It is the love that bridges our individual differences and welds our hearts into a unity of purpose and appreciation.

As I write this post I am listening to some of the most beautiful music I know of, by a pianist and a cellist who have a passion for making classical music fun and engaging. They are called the Piano Guys. Their music changes my perceptions of what is possible with those two instruments:-) Their videos are also masterworks of beauty and framing of the musical themes. I guarantee they are both passionate and mindful about their music!

I read an article by Niklas Goeke that suggested instead of waiting for our passion to find us, we should pick something that we are interested in and immerse ourselves in it. As we become better and better at our craft, our passion for it will also grow.

Might I suggest that the process of embracing our best and highest self through the practices of mindfulness and being present minded will show us just those avenues we should pursue with all our hearts, and as we pour ourselves into creation, our love and passion for the good things we do will become unstoppable.

We will live lives of creative greatness and accomplish anything we set our minds to, with passion and focus.

Sounds like a winning combination to me:-)

 

On being centered

Many people speak of the need to be centered but very few specify exactly what they mean by “being centered.” I suppose it must seem obvious to them, like being happy or rich… you know it when you see it, right?

Not so fast, little grasshopper! There is a lot more to deal with here than meets the eye, because “being centered” is a location that can only be defined by  referencing constructs outside itself. In plain English, the old saying “where you stand depends on where you sit” pretty much sums it up, because there is literally an infinite amount of things to be centered around, and just as many ways to do the centering

We need to be more precise in our speech.

What exactly does being centered mean to you as an individual?

Because your definition is the only one that counts, for you. Nobody else has your unique mix of experience and needs that go towards defining what context and boundaries you wish to be centered in relation to.

A good analogy is to take the task of making a level wall. At the very beginning of building a home the ground is prepared and graded, which is to say it is made level in a rough sense. The foundation is then built up out of stone or concrete, with the top part (the part where wood framing, etc. attaches into the foundation and anchors the  house) made completely square and level so that the superstructure of the house can also be built properly. There are three observations about the initial process of building a foundation  that directly relate to the pursuit of “being centered” in a personal sense.

1: It does not matter how “level and centered” the concrete is in the middle of the wall, because it is all mixed together and really in a state of chaos. Any particular grain of sand or pebble has many different orientations that it can exist in that do not directly affect the state of the whole. We also have many mixed up thoughts, emotions, experiences, and beliefs that exist in a jumble inside of us, that individually may or may not contribute to our feeling of being centered.

2: The importance of being level exists only in relation to an outside force called “gravity.” Seriously. In outer space where there is no gravitational effects, one might say that there is a straight line, but there is no reference point to decide if it is level or not. Liquids exist in whatever shape surface tensions and motion place them in, not the flat level surface that gravity molds them into on earth. In a real sense, being level is an artificial construct imposed by the force of gravity. In the same sense, being centered is an artificial description of the interface between our conscious and unconscious minds that governs our orientation to the outside world.

3. Not explicitly addressed but implicitly understood is the need for a set of plans, a blueprint, to guide the construction of the foundation and house. One will not usually specify  where every nail and dab of glue will go, but will definitely decide how big the walls are, what they are made out of, estimated completion time, and even how the land underneath affects the building. We start out getting permits, developing plans and blueprints  estimating costs, and assembling building materials before we even start to build a house. The value of a well-built house versus a shack or shanty is obvious. For our personal goal to be centered the application is equally obvious: we are worth infinitely more than a house, so should we not take the same care in our quest to be centered as we would in building the home we wish to live in for the rest of our lives?

Perhaps the biggest issue with this analogy is the fact that we are, each and every one of us, already living in this house we have constructed over the course of our lives. To a certain extent,some of our lives were built (damaged) for us by others without our consent, and so we live amongst things that might cause us a great deal of distress.Allow me to suggest a way to bridge what seems an insurmountable chasm between the reality of your current mental lack of centeredness and the bright, shiny home you wish to live in: the twin tools of choice and mindfulness.

The first tool is your will, expressed as choice. We wake up each morning and can choose to have a completely clean slate to work from, or we can choose to drag in all the problems of the past that weigh us down and make us feel hopeless. This is completely our choice what we choose to focus our mind on. Same with the future: We can invite fears of what might happen into our minds to paralyze us and keep us from even trying something new, or keep our minds in the present moment by focusing on what we can control right now.

We cannot control the future or the past.

Imagine that we get out of bed each morning and we have two pieces of land, one of which has the house (life) we currently live in and the other is a bare piece of ground for the life we wish to build.We can work on both at the same time, or we can neglect both. We can focus all our effort on the future hopes (happiness when I get…) and neglect current needed repairs and updates. Or we can be content remodeling the life we have and just have a bigger yard. We have four different options, and every day of our lives we are choosing one of them by what we do that day.

Wouldn’t it be a lot better if we were able to consistently choose with awareness and intention?

If we practice being mindful, taking accountability for our choices, and only focusing our energies of the things we have direct control over, we can create and build amazing things by the power of our will. Choice coupled with mindfulness and self-knowledge allows us unlimited ability to redesign and build the life we want, one day at a time.

So here is a brief collection of ideas to get started with ( if something strikes your interest and is unfamiliar I invite you to look it up:-)), the first being.feng shui. Much has been written about feng shui but the core is very simple: You get rid of the things you don’t want in your life so that you have room for the new wonderfulness you wish to invite into your life. It works. Make a habit of clearing your physical and mental space of one unwanted item (possession, thought, memory, etc.) every day and invite the universe to grant you something awesome in its place. I promise you, change will happen!

Next, use a vision board to manifest exactly what you want out of your life and put it where you can see it every day. For some people having more than one vision board helps them to be specific and concrete in what they want to manifest. This helps build a blueprint for what you do every day as your subconscious works towards realizing the vision you have invited into your life.

Remember…, today is the first day of the rest of your life! Since you don’t know if you are guaranteed a tomorrow and the past is already gone, live in the present doing the absolute best you can with this single precious day:-) If you wake up tomorrow, give thanks for the opportunity and make it the best day of your life. That is how you live an amazing, wonderful life.

And in every moment be mindful as you make choices about what to keep, cleanse, or throw away (for example deciding to fix existing emotional  problems and then move on to remodeling by starting a new relationship…have to live somewhere while building a new home.)

Be completely accepting of present circumstances as they are right now, this is not a happiness when exercise but a journey with happiness inherent in every step. If you cannot be happy right now, when will it ever be good enough? Remember, you only control your choices about the present moment. Everything else is dust in the wind

Finally, here is my definition of “being centered”

Existing in a state of calm acceptance of what I cannot control, knowing myself intimately for what I want to accomplish in life, and every present moment returning to doing what I can do, right now, to accomplish my vision.Living true to my highest self and always returning that self is being centered.

Remember the little guy in the middle of the three rings at the beginning of this post? Everything in the filled circle  he is standing on out to the first ring is in his direct control. That is where the present moment exists and where our greatest power lies. The second ring is where we may have influence and others influence us but we do not control outcomes. that is the real that mindful acceptance reigns supreme. Beyond the third ring lies chaos and complete lack of control. The ancient Stoics taught that when we recognized something as existing in that vast area, we should ignore it and give it no power to disturb our peace, because it could only touch us if we choose to let it. Ask yourself which ring you put the most focus on, and then take steps to bring your power of choice and will back into the filled circle.

If we live in this manner, our will truly is more powerful than gravity, because we are not bound by artificial limits.

Finding ourselves by letting go of resolutions

Here  we stand at the dawn of a new year, far enough in to see (as my friend Bryan Ward says at thirdwayman),”A blank canvas yet unmarked by the blood of failure, a fresh snow not yet stained by despair.”…And also past the lists, resolutions and wild-eyed yearnings of what we want to change about ourselves and our circumstances, so that we will be better, happier, thinner, wealthier by the end of the year

In other words, what we think we need to do (and have) so that we can be “happy when.”

When we have a new job, a smaller pant size, a bigger house.

I picked the image for this post specifically because we always feel that the promised land lies somewhere ahead of us, when in reality we are already there. That person in the picture is us, standing in our own mind, choosing to stand in the land of desolation rather than the land of plenty.

We can be completely happy and fulfilled right now, in the present moment, by being true to our authentic, unique self. Everything else we might possess, if we are living a lie, will leave us with the taste of ashes in our mouths.

Don’t get me wrong, great dreams, grand aspirations, and a burning desire for improvement are what gives life meaning. But they cannot be someone elses…they have to be our very own.

We have all heard the saying of, “don’t put the cart before the horse,” right? Well,our mission in life, our true authentic self, is where we get the passion, power, and drive to pull the cart of our lives. It is our “horsepower.”

Everything else, my friends, is the cart.

So I invite you to forget resolutions and instead focus on the singular quest of remembering who you really are.

A thought experiment will illustrate what I mean better than anything logical I might say:

     Imagine that you have just woken up from the best sleep of your life and you are completely wide awake and calm. You get out of bed and open the curtains to see a beautiful dawn. You know what your skills are and the things you are truly passionate about. And you have never failed to achieve what you have put your mind to, nothing  exists to block you from your dreams.

What would you want to accomplish today???

Before we go on any further, I invite you to just close your eyes for a moment or two and answer that question, not with logic…, but with passion.

Your dreams and passions reflect who you really are.

If we chase something else while they sit in the attic collecting dust, nothing we obtain will slake our thirst and bring us satisfaction. Happiness will always be a goal on the far horizon, instead of the rich, juicy nectar filling our mouths and flowing through our very veins.

The way to a transformational year is not through lists and resolutions that reflect, in many cases, what other people think we should do (or have, be, want), but rather in living each day as a true reflection of who we authentically are.

We don’t wait until tomorrow to breathe, to move, to make love. We do it in the present moment.

Little children are joyous and authentic, not because of their ignorance, but because of their knowledge of themselves. Until they are taught to hide themselves before the imperial edicts of “No, Impossible, Can’t,Stupid, Fool!” they move and dream and love in real time. They are truly alive.

I invite you to lay aside every doubt, every memory, every experience that might hold you down, and rediscover your passions, your dreams, the destiny that you just knew was yours to claim.

Become as a little child, and in full knowledge that the universe we live in loves to give you great things, invite what you need into your life to help you live your passions.

Great things lie within our grasp, if we but open our hands to gaze upon them.

Gratitude is at the core of being present minded

This is the Christmas season and all through the land everybody is maxing out credit cards in the effort to buy the perfect gift.

And every year it gets harder to do.

We have more, give more, and yet end up with less. Less peace. Less happiness.

Less gratitude.

What we have is never enough, and those to whom we give are also always wanting something more.

It doesn’t need to be that way. We can change our whole outlook about giving by remembering it is not about others…, it is about us.

Change always starts with what we can control, which is what we think and by extension feel. If we remember that being mindful and present minded is also an act of gratitude, the act of giving stops being about the recipient. It is really only about our internal focus and mental state. We don’t have control over the actions of others, only ourselves.

If we give gifts gratefully, and then let them go without attachment or expectation, we are free to move on to the next act of abundance.

Being mindful is about living in the present without fear of the future or regret for the past. If we are honest with ourselves, the act of giving a gift in many cases violates one or both of those premises. “I wish I would have gotten him something different, he hated that sweater! I hate buying gifts, I never know what to get!”

Think about that for a moment…a wonderful opportunity to share spoiled because we fear somebody’s future reaction to the gift we got them…but we feel we have to buy something and so we go through the same ordeal year after year.

It is expected of us.

There is a better way.

Let go of expectations. We cannot control them.

Release fears about future events that may never come to pass.

Refuse to give the past another opportunity to steal your peace, but rather allow regrets to stay in the past where they belong, out of sight and out of mind.

Think about what a wonderful and powerful  mental state gratitude is! It is a present-minded act of will in the fullest sense. It blocks out fear, fills with love, erases expectations, and says to our hearts that we have abundance.

We can choose to be grateful for each present, precious moment of our lives, and in so doing experience a life of glorious abundance.

Happiness is not about what we have, but about what we think about what we have.

When we give gifts, the reward is not about how others receive our gifts. The act IS the reward, in that we experience gratitude in the present moment as we share our abundance.

If we let gratitude infuse our practice of present mindedness this holiday season, we will be able to give and let go.

A wise man once said it is more blessed to give than to receive.

May it be so!

Tuning our being

My wife is a musician and professional music teacher. Trust me when I say I have listened to a lot of instruments being tuned. I have learned some truths about being in tune that are profoundly applicable to living a life in tune with our highest, best self in the present moment.

The first truth is: Close and “good enough” in tune…never is. An instrument is either in tune, or it is not. There is no middle ground.The most beautiful music in the world will sound awful if it is performed a half-note out of tune.

A key to understanding how simple yet powerful our choices are is the fact that we live in a dualistic universe where nothing is static: Everything has an opposite  (light and dark, cold and heat, centeredness or chaos) and we are constantly choosing between, thus moving towards, one state or the other.

We are either following our path towards our highest and best self, or we are not. In the present moment we can only act upon one choice at a time. That single choice we make moves us  closer to, or farther away from, realizing who we are and fully embracing our power.

There is no neutral ground.

The second truth is: The more we practice being in tune, the better we become at being accurately and consistently in tune. My wife now has the ability to listen to a complete orchestra and not only know if she is hearing a note out of tune, but which instrument in which section is playing the discordant note. Her physical ears have not improved, but her ability to understand what she is hearing has dramatically increased.

The more we apply ourselves to being in tune, the better we are able to make fine adjustments in our lives that we were unaware of the need for before.  This inner vibrational harmony in turn allows us to refine our lifesong ever more closely in tune with our best self and the power that surrounds us. We become in tune with the power of the universe, and great things happen in our lives as a result.

And the final truth is: The best music is played together. One thing my wife emphasizes to her students is the need to listen to the playing of others so that the whole piece blends seamlessly together. Each student plays as in tune and on time as possible, while following her direction as the orchestral leader, so that the harmony of the piece might shine through.

When everybody is in tune, balanced, and playing in harmony, the power of music approaches the divine. Our lives are the same way, none of us live in complete isolation where the choices we make are not impacted by the choices of others and vice versa. We also help each other stay in tune when we mindfully listen to the lives of others.

As we bring our lives into tune with our highest, best self; practice being ever more in tune with our ideals; and incorporate the beauty and power of others into our own lives, we shall truly live a life of harmony and peace in the present moment.

Being present minded while creating our preferred future

Make a plan, and stick to it…that’s the only way to succeed in life!

Set goals, practice time management skills, and be organized, because only type A, highly driven people accomplish worthwhile things!

Do these statements sound familiar, the very epitome of business success wisdom?

And yet, they are profoundly wrong. An unwavering devotion to a static goal does not mesh well with a constantly evolving life.

Is our life made for our goals, or is our future created by our highest and best self, that which our life reflects by the choices we make in the present moment?

In other words, when our goals and who we are come into conflict, which should we change? Many would say that we should change ourselves to accomplish our goals. Lets think about that for a moment.

When we were children, a favorite question of grownups was to ask us, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” Doctors, firemen, and police officers were popular answers among my friends. Did we really know at the time what it meant to be a firefighter or policeman?

If we hate the sight of blood and want to be a paramedic, or detest to tell a lie but aspire to being a politician, our goals and our heart are not going to be working well together. As we come closer to making the goal a reality, we will find myself moving away from our highest and best self.We will experience cognitive dissonance, where what we do and say does not match up with who we are.

It is not that the job of a paramedic or a politician changes, it is that we change on a daily basis. As we develop our talents, what we want also changes. Rigid goals sabotage that organic process of growth.

So how can we live being present minded and centered, while still actively creating our preferred future? Actually, it is pretty simple.

As a creator of our lives,  we are not in the position of making something from nothing, but rather uncovering and sharing the greatness we already possess.The preferred future is one where we become explicitly what our highest and best self is now.

Think of a tiny acorn. Does it grow into a mighty Oak tree overnight? Does it worry and stress over whether it ought to be an Elm tree instead? Does it plan where every branch should grow, and the width of each year’s ring?

No.

The acorn allows itself to grow, taking whatever nourishment the sun and rain bestow upon it, relying upon the storms and seasons to grant it strength and resiliency. It invites the universe to grant it all it needs to reach its full unique potential, and the universe gives it gladly.

Achieving our unique potential is nothing more (or less) than accepting who we truly are and inviting the universe to help us fully open our lives to its light. Each of us are meant to be amazing and productive in a specific way that is unique to us. To say we want to be like someone else is to diminish our own infinite worth.

Every germ of life in this world starts off in a small, even microscopic state, and yet look at the magnificence that occurs as that life unfolds in full-bodied splendor!

Every decision we make in the present moment should align completely with  our highest and best self. As we do that, just like the acorn, the universe puts everything into our lives that will bring us to a fullness of our potential.

We will never achieve our preferred future by adherence to goals, timelines, and artificial processes that”make us more productive” while requiring us to change who we are.

We create our destiny in the present moment by each mindful choice that reflects our highest and best self.

As we pay the price to learn who we really are, what we most want to be, and live faithfully according to that knowledge, we will inevitably and organically grow into that person.

Like the acorn linking a chain of present moments across the decades, we will become our own mighty, amazing,  and unique Oak.

The present moment IS the future we want

What I want to point out today is a really hard thing for most of us (myself included) to keep straight on a consistent basis: The place of goals and future-oriented thinking while living in the present moment.

We don’t need them.

You see, we have no power to affect anything except in the now, the present moment we can act upon and make decisions in. Past is done and gone, and the future is untouchable. And yet…, what we do now determines our future.

I used to be a big fan of planning for the future, and  having expectations in that future of how my children would grow up, what kind of jobs my degree(s) would land me, etc, etc.Didn’t happen, at least not according to my plan. Before I started to practice mindfulness I got pretty bitter about those failed expectations and the massive failure I perceived myself to be as a father, husband, and breadwinner.

Bitterness, anger, and frustration are the natural outcomes of having expectations about things over which we have no control. I cannot control my wife, my kids, or my employers. I can only control myself.

More to the point, if I view myself as a victim of their actions I am giving up my power to act and be happy in the present moment. None of my life circumstances are their fault, because the real power in my life is not about the circumstances I face, but rather my choices and actions in relation to those circumstances.

Every cloud has a silver lining.

Every adversary has a valuable lesson to teach me.

Every tribulation and storm I face will make me stronger and a better person…, if I exercise my power of choice.

That is why expectations about the future (and goal-setting that is not mindful and aware) are so dangerous. They set you up for a visit from the Four Horsemen of Despair, Anger, Blame, and Apathy.

We give up, get mad, quit caring, and blame others when our expectations don’t pan out. We give up our power of choice because of things we had no power to control in the first place!

The solution is simple. It is just not a quick, easy fix.

Basically, we must allow ourselves to grow organically as a tree does, bending with the prevailing winds, growing thick or thin rings each year according as the sun and rain provides for our needs, and ALWAYS be reaching upwards towards the light.

Our basic nature is to improve, to grow, to bring beauty into the world.

As we learn about ourselves and live in tune with who we actually are (instead of according to all the false mirrors in our lives), our future will naturally be created as the outcome of our moment-by-moment choices.

A giant redwood didn’t get that way by planning its growth inch by inch. It simply grew.

May we mindfully do likewise.

A day without limits

What if we could wake up tomorrow morning and have a completely fresh start? No doubts, no fear, no self-imposed limitations, nothing holding us back.

What if we could see exactly what we wanted to be and do , and we knew without a doubt we could achieve anything we set our mind and heart to accomplish?

What a wonderful, glorious day that would be! Close your eyes and bask in that feeling of joy, confidence, and accomplishment for a moment.

We can have a day like that, every day, for the rest of our lives.

But only if we want it more than the burdens, limiting beliefs, fears of success, and false labels we carry around.

We are truly our greatest enemy when it comes to achieving joy and success, because we are the only ones who have power to direct and change our lives. Don’t misunderstand me, I am not saying other people and events lack power to influence us…every second of the day we are pushed one way or another by the winds of Life. However, the choices we make to act when faced with adversity (or success!) are ours alone, and every choice builds our future. The truth is we very rarely make a choice that is completely aware, clean and unfettered from the bonds of the past or fears of the future. We instead choose a  certain action based on our perception of how others might think about us, how our spouse (or parents, peer group, etc.) will react, or according to social constructs about proper behavior. We might refuse to try something again, because we failed the last time we tried.

Sometimes we will refuse to try something at all, merely because we have been told we could not do it, and we believed the person who told us. This is called a self-limiting belief. For example, my mom used to say I would never be able to sing, as in the only way I could carry a tune was in a bucket. For a long time I was very self-conscious about singing in public, because how could my mom be wrong? Turns out she was, and I actually can sing well. It took a lot of work and practice, and now I love singing in choirs. If I would have kept that limiting belief I  would have given up my power to sing. Mom did not take it from me, it was MY limiting belief and fear that silenced my voice.

Every one of us has limiting beliefs. We all hold onto regrets, disappointments, failures, and snubs as ways to explain why it is not our fault we don’t have the life we want.

This sounds like a pretty harsh thing to say, doesn’t it, that we are  basically the cause of our own failure?

But just like a coin has two sides, there is an equal and opposite truth that is really wonderful:

WE CONTROL THE POWER TO ACCOMPLISH ALL OUR DREAMS!

We can only access that power by first accepting that for better or worse, we own our choices. We made them. The great thing is that old choices do not bind us because they are in the past. The past cannot touch us, and the future is not yet here.  The power of choice always and ever lies in the present moment. I have written here about the ACCA model I developed for expanding our ability for making self-aware choices. The way we progress to having the wonderful, glorious day without limits  introduced at the first of this post is by making centered, mindful choices in each present moment.

The simplest way to describe the process is that we identify and let go of everything we do not have control of, so that we can focus our full awareness on shaping and creating that which we do have control of.

What do we really have control of?

According to Victor Frankl in his book Man’s search for meaning, the ultimate level of control is in our mental perceptions. We may sometimes be placed in conditions where even our physical mobility is not under our control (think sickness or disability, incarceration), but we always retain the sole power over our thoughts and emotions. We retain our power to choose how we will act, and how we will mentally relate to our external environment.

Here is a short action template from the ACCA model to help make each choice a mindful, aware step towards that day of limitless joy.

Be Aware of the stimulus

.We make choices based on an almost infinite variety of variables but there is always a stimulus present to move us out of our static position, and even doing nothing is itself a choice.Many times fear of the future, or doubts/limiting beliefs from the past are a stimulus to choice, as well as a factor in how we choose to act. Self-knowledge is a critical component to living without limits, and self knowledge also allows us to reframe what we see as possible options available to us. Be clear on what is moving us to act.

Accept the situation as it really is, stripped of false beliefs and future fears.

Deal with the actual stimulus, not all the layers of the past and future we so readily heap on it. Example: I come in the door and my wife looks mad. I did the first step and am aware of what I think is my wife’s mental state.  Notice that right there I made a whole lot of implicit assumptions based on past interactions with my wife and others. Is she really mad? I don’t know. Can I control her emotions? Absolutely NOT! Therefore her mental state is beyond my control and I focus on what I can control, which is my own mental state and choices. I just accept my wife as she is.

Allow the present to be

This is a bit different then accepting, and I have written in other posts about it. Basically it means we can mentally accept that we are faced with a certain reality but emotionally we stick out our hands and yell “NO” I do not accept this. We place an emotional (and sometimes rational/mental) barrier or limit to our ability to deal with the situation, and that barrier becomes our choice. In the example of my wife looking mad, perhaps she has been mad at me every day this week and I don’t want to allow it to happen again. I engage in a lot of mental games to avoid allowing her anger to be the present reality. This step is  not about choosing how to act, it is about allowing the present reality clearly and openly into my life.

Assess the stimulus

In the example, is my wife really mad? What is she mad at? How do I find out, and does SHE even know why? I cannot even begin to choose a course of action without knowing a lot more about what is going on, including the iceberg of underlying issues like beliefs, fears, etc.Everybody has them, and even though we have no control over others, the more we understand about them, the better choices we can make. Find out what is really going on. As Stephen Covey phrased it, “Seek first to understand, before seeking to be understood.”

Choose among alternatives

Now we are in the middle of the ACCA process in the space between the stimulus and our response. I can choose many different actions, depending on how I have assessed the situation. (By the way, we do this process all the time, just more or less unconsciously and unaware of our biases and limitations. We are always choosing and creating our lives, moment by moment.) I might choose merely to ask “how was your day” and then listen.

Create preferred future

This step is where we work to make sure our choice will lead to where we want to go. Remember, we still have not done anything yet. we are still in our mind. In my example, I chose to ask my wife how her day has been. I play out the scene and her possible reactions, thereby prepping myself to be neutral even if she does yell at me or act out. I am not expecting her to act in a certain way. I do play out my preferred ways of action (calm voice, focused attention, eye contact) so that I mentally rehearse my choice. Then comes the moment of truth.

Act

Now I step out of my mind and back into the world. I say out loud to my wife,”Hi Honey, how was your day?” I now immediately go back to step one and be mindfully aware of what she says and does.Every one of my actions are a stimulus to somebody else (my wife in this case), and vice versa. I can only control my side of exchange. Knowing that to be true, I can let go of fear and limitations, allowing myself to really listen to her and be present minded.

Sounds simple, which it is, and it takes a lifetime to master:-)

The ACCA process takes a lot of work when first starting out, just as meditation is actually less calming at the beginning when one realizes just how little actual control one has over stray thoughts!

As one practices, however, it becomes second nature. That little tiny moment once in a while, where everything clicked in a “aha”,  will soon become the norm, not the exception. Being Present Minded will stretch to hours of our day, and then the full day itself.

That is how we will achieve a day without limits…and a limitless life.

Mirror, Mirror on the wall…

Why do you look in a mirror? No, seriously, why do you look in a mirror? Is it to see what is right about you…, or what is wrong about you?

And where do those judgements of rightness and wrongness come from?

I guarantee that if you are thoughtfully contemplating those questions you are having an uncomfortable answer or two pop up, I know I did. Our reflected image is  so foundational to our sense of worth that self-image and self-esteem are synonymous.

Again, why do we look in the mirror? At a basic level, it is because we lack ability to see ourselves as others see us. The major problem with this statement is while it is true on a superficial level (a mirror shows us what others see of our outward appearance), our reflection does not truly represent us…it represents our biases about ourselves.

In short, we ask the mirror on the wall to confirm or deny in what ways we are (or not) the fairest of them all. On the basis, no less,  of extrinsic, ever-changing, and wholly unhealthy values that we have acquired in a lifetime of social conditioning.

And the mirror always lies.

Because our value really comes from who we are, not how we look.

Mindfulness allows us to detach from the emotional currents and conditioning, and observe our random thoughts without giving them power. Negative thoughts are sometimes called emotional blurts. Here is a quick mindfulness practice the next time you get out of the shower.

Stand in front of the mirror and look at yourself, without specifically trying to think of anything. Observe your thoughts without giving them power, but note the blurts.

Now focus on any one part of your body and say (for example) I love my belly button…or my toes! Focus your warmth, affection and gratitude for having that delightful, unique part of you.

Feel the love and acceptance, it may be the first time that part of you has had a kind word spoken to it for a long time!

Anything you love, you strengthen.

You can  (and should!) love  every part of your body like you just loved your belly button, wholly and unconditionally. You have complete power over your self esteem. That is a power nobody can take from you. You can give it away, but it can never be taken away without your consent.

Emotional blurts are signs we have given our power of self identity away, and imposed false constraints and social bias in place of our natural self-acceptance.

Little children perfectly love themselves…until they are taught not to.

The practices of Feng Shui and mindfulness are designed to help clear out those false beliefs and clear space for new, powerfully vibrant affirmations to enter. Creating those new affirmations and mindfully forming new habits of thought is the foundation for allowing all that life has to offer to flow freely to you.

Become as a little child, and love yourself wholly and unconditionally.

Little kids don’t need mirrors: Neither do we.